Joshua Levan

Please pray for the Levan family as today, they have both welcomed and said goodbye to their dear little boy Joshua Levan. Here is their story:
www.jonandkristinlevan.blogspot.com
How my heart aches for them right now.

Teeth and Hair...

So last night was AWFUL. I felt like i had a newborn all over again, except for a lot louder screaming! We put Weston to bed around 8pm-which is his normal bedtime and he goes down just fine, mostly. Well last night, he just screamed and screamed and screamed. This was puke inducing screaming. After laying him back down several times and changing him b/c he had puked on himself from screaming, I decided to just hold him and try to get him to sleep. That didn't work, he kept screaming. So dad came down and took him, what a sacrifice :) Dad eats it up when he gets to be the one to calm the screamer. Dad help him for a few hours and put the screamer to bed around 10pm. He was sleeping!!! Hurray!
Come 1am-SCREAMING again. So i went in there and laid down with him. He fell asleep and I went to put him to bed and he started screaming again. This time, he was practically hyperventilating. We went upstairs and I thought he was going to wake the entire neighborhood. i gave him motrin and then laid down with him again and stayed in bed with him until 7 am. Then i went to my bed for an hour.
When we did get up this morning, i put my finger in the screamer's mouth and felt a sharp little point-AH HA! No wonder. Why in the middle of the night did I not check his mouth? I was so frustrated with the little guy b/c of all nights, he had to do it on the one when we actually needed to sleep b/c we had plans in the morning? I was to the point of breaking last night when he wouldn't quit screaming even while I walked him. Poor poor guy. He's stuck with a non-understanding mommy who gets angry and frustrated at her little guy for being in pain. It just makes you feel horrible.
Well, he is now napping and has been for about an hour and a half, so this is kind of nice :)
On the way home from my Mom's group, I decided to stop and get my hair cut b/c I am going out of town this weekend and would like to not look so shaggy. I didn't want to drive to Columbus and pay extra money to get my hair done at the salon that I got it done at before. Then,I only had to pay $6 for highlights and a cut b/c a girl needed to have hair models. Well, I told myself I wouldn't go back b/c it was too expensive (i could only get that deal once...rats!) and it was too far to drive. Well, there is a salon nearby that I stopped at. I didn't want to go to a chain place b/c I have had bad experiences there. I probably shouldn't have done that. My hair is uneven, chopped and she cut bangs-not sweeping bangs like i had before...shorter bangs. It doesn't look good at all! She cut it dry-didn't even wet it down at all...so there are areas where the hair is obviously longer.
I am going to have chad look at it and see if i am over-reacting. If not, I am going to call the salon and see if i can get in either tonight or tomorrow. if not, we'll just have to wait it out.
Good grief...I think it is nap time.

Family Update

Sorry for my laziness. I've been wanting to post for a while now, but haven't quite had the umph to do it. So now I'm going to. Don't be surprised if this is a short post. Weston has made some strides lately-literally. Our little guy is starting to WALK! Of course this takes some encouragment from the peanut gallery, but he can take about 5 or 6 steps in a row before being overcome with excitement that he falls over. Here is a video of our little guy going! Please ignore my annoying voice :(

There are some other videos but I'm too embarrased of the audio that I won't put them up :( He has only taken a few steps without us encouraging him, so it probably wont be too long before he is going strong. I am so excited for Weston, but I am also saddened because my little guy is growing up. I miss my baby, but I love my little boy so much. He is getting so big and growing so fast. These days are fleeting and it tears my heart to pieces.
Here are some other pics of Weston for your viewing pleasure:

The dog is very patient...


Getting ready to go out in the cold-he loves his goggles :)


Me? I didn't eat any cake...I don't know what you're talking about

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Happy Valentines Day!

This weekend is for lovers! Right.
Tonight Chad and I are going to the restaurant at Confluence Park where we got engaged. We got a $50 certificate from motherhood maternity when I bought some summer maternity clothes back in November or December. The stipulations are that we have to spend $100 in order to use it. Well, that won't be hard :) The place is quite pricey, but from what I remember from 4 or 5 years ago is that it is really good food. We are treating ourselves...so I shouldn't feel guilty about spending a little extra. I think we deserve it. Well, maybe we don't, but I sure feel like we need a break from our lives.
Weston thinks so too, but he is a bit jealous that he doesn't get to go, so he made me pay for it last night. We put cranky pants to bed around 7:15 b/c he was being extra grumpy. Well, around 8, he woke screaming. So, we tried to soothe and help him go back to sleep for about a half hour to no avail...so he got to stay up rocking with mommy and watching the office until 9:30. I know, we are already exposing our child to rotten television (we don't think it's rotten, but some people do :). We think it's absolutely hilarious! if you dont watch The Office, you should...you really should. Anyway, he fell asleep pretty much as soon as I put him to bed. Alright! Time for me to get some rest b/c tomorrow (today) is going to be busy.
Nope, come 1am, Weston is awake and crying again. So i go into his room, lay down in bed with him and nurse him til he falls asleep. I stay in his room until 5 am...on and off sleeping while trying to keep him sleeping. To say the least, we both didn't get much sleep.
I put him down and went to bed at 5am. Didn't get up until 9:15 and now I'm not feeling so hot. Got the laundry started and haven't packed yet for the weekend in Cbus. So, It's 1:30, chad will be home in 2 hours. I just put cranky pants down to nap and now i have to pack and shower and get ready. 2 hours isn't going to be enough. So i should get off of here, but I really needed a place to write it all out.
Being a mom is awesome, even if it means sacrificing what I want for the well-being of my cranked son. I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact, I was talking to chad the other night saying how I sometimes, I just want to go into Weston's room at night and pick him up and cuddle with him-Wish granted :) Maybe not in the way or the time I wanted it, but honestly, I treasured that time I got to spend gazing into my little babe's face and rubbing his back as he slept in my arms. These times are fleeting and I hate how fast it is going. I pray I won't take them for granted and that I will thank Jesus for each moment I have with my boy, even if he's screaming in my ear.
I haven't posted since last weeks appointment and I apologize. We only talked with the dr since everything was going as it should. She told us that we could start trying again in a month or so, which is hard to hear b/c I am not patient. I don't want to wait a month. I was hoping that we would get pregnant right away and I even went as far as taking a test to b/c I want it so badly. I knew even before I took it what the results were going to be, but I was hoping I was going to be surprised. Of course, I wasn't and it was just another disappointment. In God's timing we will be blessed again, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be disappointed in the time being. It's hard to accept God's time, but in Ecclesiastes, we read that there is a time for everything, even loss. I may not like the time we are in now, but I need to embrace it. We look forward to what the future brings because we know we are in God's hands and that is the best place to be in.

Update on Weston-he has 4 teeth now! Boy does it hurt when he bites...keep your fingers out of his mouth unless you want to lose 'em!

Appointment

Today is the day that we were supposed to be going to see our little baby for the first time. I should be excited about today, but I'm not. In fact, I'm somewhat dreading it.
Chad is coming with me because I know it is going to be hard. Walking into the office where there should be so much joy and excitement is going to be wrenching.
Hopefully in the near future, we will get to take that walk into the doctors office with a different sort of anticipation.
We had some other disappointing news yesterday that I can't share online quite yet. Please be keeping us in your prayers as we figure out this crazy life that we are living.

2 Weeks After

It has been 2 weeks since we became parents of an angel. I would love to say that we are back in the groove and life is back to normal, but that would be a lie. I have to say though, God has blessed us with an abundant amount of love and support that has carried us through these weeks.
I am physically healed, well, I feel like it. We have an appointment on Wednesday to make sure that all is well.
Emotionally, I am doing well. I still have my days when the smallest thing will set me off-a comment, photo, tv show, whatever. That is to be expected, I can't just turn off the feelings that I had for our baby. I had a connection with that little person the day we found out that we were expecting. I wondered what if the babe was a boy or girl, who they were going to look like, what color hair would they have, when they would be born, how Westion would get along with a sibling only 16 months younger than he, if they would have been into sports or music, and so many other things.
My spirit is still in shock. I still can't figure out why God wanted our baby and I still get angry that he took him or her. I still can't worship in church without breaking down. Every time I try to sing, I get choked up and not a sound rings from my mouth. I want so much to enjoy singing hymns and praises to my saviour, but it hurts so much. It makes me wonder if I am having the hardest time at church b/c it was when we were at church that I discovered we were losing our baby. We pray for our family and our angel everyday and we pray that God will bless us with another baby soon. Thoughts fill my mind throughout the day of our lost one and I know that Satan is trying to wiggle his way in. He wants me to blame God and to walk away-it would be so easy. But then I remember that God is telling me with open arms, "Go ahead, yell at me, blame me, scream at the top of your lungs, hit me, spit on me-I CAN HANDLE IT. I love you and care for you. Fall on me and let me carry you. You are my child and I will not abandon you." Go ahead Satan, try and top that.
I think you get it-we are healing. We are not submitting to the lies of the "father of all lies". God is still here and will never leave. We never have to pray for God to be with us, b/c he never left us.
My God is the Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Rock of Ages, Comforter, Healer,Deliverer, the Alpha and Omega, The Beginning and The End, Almighty Counselor, Everlasting Father. He is Jehova, Immanuel, Savior, Mighty God, Lord of Everything, Redeemer, Friend, Prince of Peace. My God is the Great I AM. I could keep going, but for the sake of my fingers :) and my faulty memory;
Who wouldn't want to be in the hands of this God. Chad, Weston and I entrust our lives to Jesus Christ, even if that means letting go of the most precious things in our lives. We trust God and he has NEVER let us down. I may cry and I may have days when it feels like I am all alone, but that doesn't change who my God is.
I must now go and rescue my cutie pie who has woken up from his slumber: