Happy Valentines Day!

This weekend is for lovers! Right.
Tonight Chad and I are going to the restaurant at Confluence Park where we got engaged. We got a $50 certificate from motherhood maternity when I bought some summer maternity clothes back in November or December. The stipulations are that we have to spend $100 in order to use it. Well, that won't be hard :) The place is quite pricey, but from what I remember from 4 or 5 years ago is that it is really good food. We are treating ourselves...so I shouldn't feel guilty about spending a little extra. I think we deserve it. Well, maybe we don't, but I sure feel like we need a break from our lives.
Weston thinks so too, but he is a bit jealous that he doesn't get to go, so he made me pay for it last night. We put cranky pants to bed around 7:15 b/c he was being extra grumpy. Well, around 8, he woke screaming. So, we tried to soothe and help him go back to sleep for about a half hour to no avail...so he got to stay up rocking with mommy and watching the office until 9:30. I know, we are already exposing our child to rotten television (we don't think it's rotten, but some people do :). We think it's absolutely hilarious! if you dont watch The Office, you should...you really should. Anyway, he fell asleep pretty much as soon as I put him to bed. Alright! Time for me to get some rest b/c tomorrow (today) is going to be busy.
Nope, come 1am, Weston is awake and crying again. So i go into his room, lay down in bed with him and nurse him til he falls asleep. I stay in his room until 5 am...on and off sleeping while trying to keep him sleeping. To say the least, we both didn't get much sleep.
I put him down and went to bed at 5am. Didn't get up until 9:15 and now I'm not feeling so hot. Got the laundry started and haven't packed yet for the weekend in Cbus. So, It's 1:30, chad will be home in 2 hours. I just put cranky pants down to nap and now i have to pack and shower and get ready. 2 hours isn't going to be enough. So i should get off of here, but I really needed a place to write it all out.
Being a mom is awesome, even if it means sacrificing what I want for the well-being of my cranked son. I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact, I was talking to chad the other night saying how I sometimes, I just want to go into Weston's room at night and pick him up and cuddle with him-Wish granted :) Maybe not in the way or the time I wanted it, but honestly, I treasured that time I got to spend gazing into my little babe's face and rubbing his back as he slept in my arms. These times are fleeting and I hate how fast it is going. I pray I won't take them for granted and that I will thank Jesus for each moment I have with my boy, even if he's screaming in my ear.
I haven't posted since last weeks appointment and I apologize. We only talked with the dr since everything was going as it should. She told us that we could start trying again in a month or so, which is hard to hear b/c I am not patient. I don't want to wait a month. I was hoping that we would get pregnant right away and I even went as far as taking a test to b/c I want it so badly. I knew even before I took it what the results were going to be, but I was hoping I was going to be surprised. Of course, I wasn't and it was just another disappointment. In God's timing we will be blessed again, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be disappointed in the time being. It's hard to accept God's time, but in Ecclesiastes, we read that there is a time for everything, even loss. I may not like the time we are in now, but I need to embrace it. We look forward to what the future brings because we know we are in God's hands and that is the best place to be in.

Update on Weston-he has 4 teeth now! Boy does it hurt when he bites...keep your fingers out of his mouth unless you want to lose 'em!

Appointment

Today is the day that we were supposed to be going to see our little baby for the first time. I should be excited about today, but I'm not. In fact, I'm somewhat dreading it.
Chad is coming with me because I know it is going to be hard. Walking into the office where there should be so much joy and excitement is going to be wrenching.
Hopefully in the near future, we will get to take that walk into the doctors office with a different sort of anticipation.
We had some other disappointing news yesterday that I can't share online quite yet. Please be keeping us in your prayers as we figure out this crazy life that we are living.

2 Weeks After

It has been 2 weeks since we became parents of an angel. I would love to say that we are back in the groove and life is back to normal, but that would be a lie. I have to say though, God has blessed us with an abundant amount of love and support that has carried us through these weeks.
I am physically healed, well, I feel like it. We have an appointment on Wednesday to make sure that all is well.
Emotionally, I am doing well. I still have my days when the smallest thing will set me off-a comment, photo, tv show, whatever. That is to be expected, I can't just turn off the feelings that I had for our baby. I had a connection with that little person the day we found out that we were expecting. I wondered what if the babe was a boy or girl, who they were going to look like, what color hair would they have, when they would be born, how Westion would get along with a sibling only 16 months younger than he, if they would have been into sports or music, and so many other things.
My spirit is still in shock. I still can't figure out why God wanted our baby and I still get angry that he took him or her. I still can't worship in church without breaking down. Every time I try to sing, I get choked up and not a sound rings from my mouth. I want so much to enjoy singing hymns and praises to my saviour, but it hurts so much. It makes me wonder if I am having the hardest time at church b/c it was when we were at church that I discovered we were losing our baby. We pray for our family and our angel everyday and we pray that God will bless us with another baby soon. Thoughts fill my mind throughout the day of our lost one and I know that Satan is trying to wiggle his way in. He wants me to blame God and to walk away-it would be so easy. But then I remember that God is telling me with open arms, "Go ahead, yell at me, blame me, scream at the top of your lungs, hit me, spit on me-I CAN HANDLE IT. I love you and care for you. Fall on me and let me carry you. You are my child and I will not abandon you." Go ahead Satan, try and top that.
I think you get it-we are healing. We are not submitting to the lies of the "father of all lies". God is still here and will never leave. We never have to pray for God to be with us, b/c he never left us.
My God is the Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Rock of Ages, Comforter, Healer,Deliverer, the Alpha and Omega, The Beginning and The End, Almighty Counselor, Everlasting Father. He is Jehova, Immanuel, Savior, Mighty God, Lord of Everything, Redeemer, Friend, Prince of Peace. My God is the Great I AM. I could keep going, but for the sake of my fingers :) and my faulty memory;
Who wouldn't want to be in the hands of this God. Chad, Weston and I entrust our lives to Jesus Christ, even if that means letting go of the most precious things in our lives. We trust God and he has NEVER let us down. I may cry and I may have days when it feels like I am all alone, but that doesn't change who my God is.
I must now go and rescue my cutie pie who has woken up from his slumber:

Cranky Teether

Well, it just seems that our little guy should be renamed to Cranky Pants b/c that is what he's been called more often than not. This little man has been getting his top teeth for the past few weeks and they just don't want to break through. His poor little gums were bleeding yesterday, so I'm really hoping that the those stinkin teeth will come in and that the pain will cease and desist. Not only is it hard on him, but he is wearing me out. Now how can a cutie like this wear me out?

Well, for starters, he's being awfully whiney (sp?). He's not eating well, so that makes dinner time fun for everybody as he cries and swats at the spoon. However, yogurt, ice cream, and cookies don't seem to bother him as much. I guess that the pain is worth those sweet treats. The most exhausting thing is his attachment to ME. I haven't been able to leave him in nurseries without issues. Last week, we visited Chad's brother's church and I dropped Weston in the nursery. I had to use the ladies room towards the end of the service. So as I am on my way to the bathroom, I can hear my son crying, LOUDLY. I keep walking and am just hoping that by the time I am done, he will be too. I take my time in the bathroom and as I'm leaving, silence...nice. Oh wait, nope that's my son screaming. I walk in and they tell me that he's been crying off and on the whole time and nothing will soothe him.
Fastforward a half hour. We are talking to friends and family after the service and I pass Weston off to his daddy-BWAAAAAHHHH! Great. I get the cry baby back. Somebody else takes him-BWAAAAAHHHH! Needless to say, mommy held on to the babe almost the entire day.
Today was even better. I recently started going to a mom's group at a church in Tipp. Well, they have daycare for us during that time. Last week was Weston's first time. He did ok. They said that he cried a lot, but they were able to comfort him. Today, I dropped him off and not 20 minutes later I am told I need to go get him b/c he is inconsolable. I walk in there and he sees me with his puffy, tear and snot smeared face and starts screaming. I had to hold him the entire time. If I even put him down, he would scream.
Is all of this b/c of the teething-probably not, but I'm sure that some of it is. I do have to say though, it makes me feel special when my son only wants me but it is also exhausting. I really look forward to chad coming home on days like these.Weston loves his daddy.

I want to say thanks to those of you who lifted us up in prayer these past weeks. We are doing much better. We are healing and we are also trusting God.
I had a friend tell me that he didn't know how to pray for us but that he just told God that he would "sit in the mud" with us. Those words were so encouraging. I hope that we will remember that and then when we have an opportunity to, we will "sit in the mud" with our friends who need us there with them.

In the Valley

I don't know how many of our friends and family read these posts, but I wanted to let you all know what has been happening with us. God calls us to be open and vulnerable with our fellow believers in Christ because as a body, we help eachother heal. Just as our human bodies can't heal without critical parts, our spiritual bodies can't heal without those that God has put in our lives to be our caregivers. I am going to be open and honest right now and I want you to know that I am not searching for sympathy but for a path to healing.
We were preparing to announce to our friends and the rest of the family that didn't already know that Weston was going to be a big brother in mid-August. However, this past weekend our lives were rocked to the core when God decided to call our 10 week old unborn baby into his precious hands.
We don't know why God decided to call our angel home to him and we never will be until we are in heaven with our father. I have gone through a gamut of emotions-anger, devastation, mourning, empathy-just to name a few.
As the days drag on, the tears are fewer and life is returning to "normal". I have found that the busier I stay, the easier it is not to fall into depression that so easily ensares me. My heart aches constantly and the only joys in my life right now are my son and my husband-who by the way, God definitely designed just for me. Chad has been so supportive and loving. When I start crying, he doesn't try to run, he opens his arms and lets me fall sobbing-snot, tears and all-onto him and he'll just hold me until I'm done. It doesn't matter what he's doing, he'll stop and put all of his focus on me. He doesn't force me to talk about it or to get over it. He just lets me grieve how I need to grieve. I just thank my God that he gave me such a wonderful husband.
We are doing better and better each day and we are clinging closer to God than ever before. The wound is still open and aching, but we are healing.
In advance, I want to thank you for your thoughts and prayers, which we desperately covet.
For those of you who have found about this right here and not by phone, I apologize, but we can only call so many people and repeat this so many times before it wears us thin.
The reason I rise in the morning:


p.s. My husband just read this and his only comment was that I misspelled "gamut". Gotta love him.

Weekend!

Even though I'm a SAHM, I still look forward to the weekends. That is a time when other people (mostly just chad) are around to entertain our very active son. I kid you not, ask anybody that knows him and they will tell you he ALWAYS wants to be on the go.
What was that? You don't believe me? Just wait until he wakes and I'll get a picture of his new battle wound-a nice little bruise on his forehead that he required from a recent climbing accident. This just came about after his black eye faded from falling down one of great-grandma snyder's chairs.
Yes, that's right, I said "falling down a chair". This is possible. Weston was pulling himself up on the chair and failed to maintain his grip and boom, Boom, BOOM! He hit hit all 3 support bars on the chair as his face made it's way to the floor resulting in a beautiful red then black eye.
This child WILL give me gray hair-I just know it. He never slows down. I was trying to eat my lunch today-a bowl of soup and I had to put it down a half a dozen times as I had to launch myself out of my chair to grab him away from something dangerous-well, the same dangerous thing that he knows he's not supposed to touch-My dad's Amish made electric (hahaha...i know how that sounds) fire place.
Ok, so this thing isn't that dangerous, but it does get pretty warm and could possibly cause some burns. Weston is fascinated with the fake flames...so he is constantly coming over to it and trying to touch it. Every time he does, I say very firmly-NO! He pulls his hand back then looks at me and grins and proceeds to stretch his ape-like fingers out towards the glass until I have to physically remove him from the situation. This scenario has played out multiple times today...He knows better, but he can't help himself, just like his father. Boy am I in for God only knows.
In other news, Weston is down to 1 nap a day-and the tears start streaming! I loved his nap times. They were my time to wind down and get things down without having to keep my extra eyes on him. However, know he'll sleep for one longer chunk of time instead of two short naps-so this isn't such a bad deal. But I really have no room to complain. Our little crankshaft does go to bed around 8pm and does not wake until 10am...so I'll not complain much about that :)
Last night however, Weston did not get to enjoy his slumber as he normally does. If you remember, Weston is wearing cloth diapers. When your child wears these type of diapers they also require covers.
Well, his daddy was giving him his bath-which I love that he does this for me, i think it is awesome bonding time for dad and son-anyway, after his bath, he changed him and Weston went to bed after his milkshake.
I went up to the bathroom around 10 to get ready for bed and noticed that Weston's cover was sitting on the counter. I thought, "Chad just probably put on one of his other covers." but to make sure I asked him and he immediately started grinning-Weston did not have his cover on-crap.
Well, we went downstairs hoping that he had held "it" and that the diaper would be dry. Unfortunately, this was not the case. So we had to wake our son and strip him down all the while he is screaming and carrying on-I would too if I was woken up after having been asleep for 3 hours and then been stripped down in a cold dark room. Ok, that sounded a little creepy-but you get the point.
Anyway, we got him changed and put the cover on and got Weston back to bed. We only had to listen to him scream for about 5-10 minutes and he was out. I doubt daddy will ever forget to put that cover on again :)
Enjoy the snow!

Hiatus Over...for now

Ok, so i made a mistake on here. I thought i knew what order the pics are in. The captions should be correct now...

Well, once again I have failed at blogging. A LOT has happened since December 14.
First of all, Weston had his first trip out west over Christmas. We visited Telluride and Pagosa Springs, CO.
Snowshoeing, boarding, and skiing were just a few of the activities enjoyed by the travellors. We had a great time but were happy to make it home after a week of being away.
All of my family made it to my parents and they were all anxiously awaiting us coming home on New Years Eve...well, not really, but they did know we were coming in that day.
Boy was the house full! there were 4 little ones running around and 1 little one lying around. This house will never be the same!
We had so much fun hanging out with family, even though it was loud and crazy at times! All the kids had fun playing together in the house and in the snow until they got too cold and cranky, then play time was over!
Instead of writing more, i'll just post some pictures of our holiday adventures!
By the way, this was the first year in a long time that I was able to stay awake to welcome in the new year!

In Telluride


Weston loving his new laptop


4 Grandkids in the tub...Weston wasn't that excited


Clark Family Picture


Columbus Zoo lights

The rest of the photo's are from CO.